9 Inspirational quotes If you can tell us one good reason why you’ve posted a picture of a Minion with a quote falsely attributed to Albert Einstein that says, “Friends are like atoms – when you split them, chaos happens,” we will give you a thousand dirhams. You can’t do it can you? Of course you can’t, because there simply isn’t one.
8 Game invitations In the whole time we’ve known each other have we ever done something that would make you think we would be willing to accept your invitation to play Toffee Princess Pixies, Slugville, or whatever game you’re playing these days? Of course we haven’t. Because we’re not morons. If we had any sort of conviction we would delete your time-wasting, infantile and imbecilic profile from our timeline, forever. We don’t so will continue to silently seethe instead.
7 Living the simple life Instagramming from a budget restaurant in a humble part of town is perfectly acceptable. But just be aware that if you caption it with drivel about “keeping it real” and loving the old town, then know that we can all see the last 75 updates showing you falling over yourself to barge into a nightclub’s VIP section, and we know it’s not true. 6 Children updates We like you and we’ve always had a good time together. But if we see just one more update about your patently brattish snot-nosed child, we’re going to have to call an end to this friendship. Birthdays, achievements, if they say or do something remarkable are all great reasons to tell us about your kid’s life. But them sneezing, dressing themselves for school or asking what time their dinner will be ready are not things you need to share.
5 Nominations So you’ve nominated us to choose a favourite film starting with each letter of the alphabet have you? What’s that you say? It is the latest internet fad is it? There is more chance of us coming to your house, cleaning your toilet and emptying out your bins than there is of us joining in. And while we’re at it, this is as good a time as any to say, don’t bother suggesting our name if there is a craze for cracking eggs your head or taking wacky photos in unexpected places.
4 My life is great boasts Oh, you’re at the beach today are you? And last night you were eating wagyu strawberry soufflé at a swanky restaurant. Good for you. Do you know what we’ve been doing? Scraping mould off of our bath tub and eating cold baked beans out of the tin. So forgive us if we don’t get too excited about your latest success. Share your happy times – but don’t brag.
3 My life stinks If it does, and you’re a friend, we’ll do everything we can to help. But if you’re actually just being self-indulgent, please get some perspective. In the grand scheme of things, your inability to get a table by the window really isn’t that bad.
2 Vague updates Whether it’s an unexplained 4am check-in at a hospital or the type of ambiguous suggestion that something life-changing has just happened, some posts need explanation. Your friends will be worried about you and think you are low, injured, sick or in need of help. If there is nothing wrong and you’re just the person who cried wolf, delete your social media, sit down in a quiet corner and have a long hard think about what you’re doing with your life.
1 Spoilers We put up with your bigoted rants, incendiary and simply wrong views and idiotic beliefs on just about any subject you hold dear because sometimes you share funny cat videos. But if you give away the ending of just one more movie, TV series or book, we will bring down the wrath of the zombie apocalypse on you.
Will Milner is a regular contributor. We avoid talking social media with him… at all costs…