Neighbours, waiters, phone users and people with sunglasses on their heads
10 Anybody holding your phone There can be no greater anxiety than watching somebody else swiping away on your phone. Even if it’s a best friend, relative or both, it can seem like they’re holding your life in their hands. It was passed over innocently enough to show them a photo or to let them see the text you’ve just received. When it does not come back immediately you need to be very concerned. How many times will they scroll before they see photos of you trying on swimwear in the mall? What if a mutual friend’s message pops up on your screen and they see something they shouldn’t? No, letting somebody else handle your phone is always dangerous. Especially if they’re the sort of person who would start liking Instagram posts from it.
9 People with shades on top of their head
Treat them with suspicion. They may have a perfectly good excuse – like needing to keep their sunglasses somewhere – but, more often than not, they’re doing it because they’re a preening, narcissistic oaf who thinks sunglasses on head is a symbol of their importance and self-worth. If it’s dark outside, or the person has been inside for more than five minutes, it tends to be the latter rather than the former.
8 Upstairs neighbours in an apartment block Why would you trust them? They’re apparently drilling until late into the night, they rearrange their furniture every singe day and have been known to stomp around in heavy boots until dawn and make the occasional, suspicious thud. They’re clearly up to something.
7 Successful dieters Like those who are out of the house before 6am for bootcamp, there’s something not quite right about these people. Not that we want to cast aspersions on their character or belittle their achievements. We’re just going to keep an eye on them. Anybody who can say no to cake or leave a comfortable bed in order to be screamed at while attempting a push-up is capable of anything.
6 People who queue Society and the right way of doing things are squashed faster than an ant at a picnic when people are asked to form an orderly queue. Whether that is waiting for taxis, to pay for shopping or queueing for an appointment, the people in your immediate vicinity would do anything to be dealt with before you. Distractions, sneaking, manipulation and just good, old-fashioned pushing-in are all common tactics you need constant vigilance to avoid.
5 Waiters who give recommendations Sorry to be the ones to say this to you, but that waiter pushing the special of the day on you might not have your best interests at heart. The trout and durian soufflé they have told you is superb, might turn out to be very nice. Or it might be something the kitchen are trying to shift before the chef bins it.
4 Internet users Fake news, spurious facts, hateful opinions and insane arguments. You know better than to trust some of the things you see online. Don’t stop relying on it as a source of cute cat videos, though. Because they’ll never let you down.
3 Anybody in a lift It is with total certainty that you can assume they would prefer it if you were not there. They might have feigned holding the lift doors open as you ran to climb inside and they may be smiling, but inside, you’re the one thing that stands between them and where they want to be. Until the doors slide open and one of you steps out, you’re locked in a metal box with this person and need to be aware that they might freak out at any moment. Be prepared.
2 People with no sense of humour It doesn’t need to be the same as yours. It doesn’t need to be good. But people who rarely smile and never laugh are probably plotting something. Behind their dull, lifeless eyes, there’s a cold calculation that should chill you.
1 People who say “trust me” Don’t. Whatever it is they’re trying to get you to do is something you almost certainly shouldn’t. Whether that’s trying a too-spicy dish, doing karaoke or signing up for skydiving, it might be more terrifying than you can imagine.
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