I’d heard much about the new(ish) Hues Hotel in Deira and its supposedly boutiquey-style credentials. Entering the lobby, there was something distinctly ‘quirky continental youth hostel’ about it: the few intriguing style details (including the vast array of Arabic lanterns in acid-bright colours) made me suspect that my eyes, at least, might be in for a feast.

Metro, the hotel’s all-day-dining venue, looked nice enough: reasonably modern and just about busy enough, with a few other guests tucking into the iftar buffet. But the waitress just couldn’t work out what I wanted from her: I wasn’t staying in the hotel, and I wasn’t joining in the iftar. Her confusion over my presence was fairly disconcerting.

The iftar guests slowly began to file out, until eventually I was the only diner left. Yet the time that was being taken over my starter – a chicken caesar salad – seemed endless. It arrived eventually, topped with chicken that was moist and tender (but smelled rather suspiciously like deep-fried chicken) and sweet, buttery croutons with a soft garlic flavour. Unfortunately these were joined by a measly three olives (yes, I counted, but it didn’t take long) and lettuce drenched in a thick, slimy dressing that tasted merely of mayonnaise. Perhaps the waitress sensed my disappointment: before I’d even had a chance to give up on the salad, my main course arrived and was plonked on the table, ready and waiting for me to finish my starter. The seafood platter, composed of prawns, salmon, hammour and scallops, was an infinitely better dish than my starter, yet while I enjoyed the black pepper-scattered prawns, the salmon was rather dry and the scallops and hammour were undercooked. The accompanying lemon butter sauce was frightful, with a cutting, plasticky sourness to it.

Eventually I gave up and turned my attentions to dessert. It was naughty, really: I unintentionally offered Metro more rope with which to hang itself. I waited an age in this freezing-cold and rather boring cell for the waitress to clear the plates from my main course, then another age for her to take my order. But when it arrived, the chef’s special triple chocolate delight looked delightful: prettily presented with an array of fresh fruit displayed on a plate in the shape of an artist’s palette. I was surprised – yet my joy didn’t last long. The chocolate delight was a cross between a frozen opera cake and a layered chocolate mousse that had overdosed on gelatin and died. I took a few bites, polished off the fresh fruit and waited again for some service and the bill. Would I go back? No – it feels as though I only just made it out of there.

The bill (for one)
1x large water Dhs18
1x chicken Caesar salad Dhs40
1x seafood platter Dhs130
1x triple chocolate dessert Dhs30
Total (including service) Dhs218