A Dubai institution, of sorts, floating greenhouse Bateaux Dubai plies the Creek route nightly, with its cargo of wide-eyed tourists, whispering, squabbling couples and cat-footed waiters. A cut above, with its impressive wood, steel and glass shell, mildly Travelodge deluxe interior and obsequious, robotically polite staff, Bateaux Dubai offers unbeatable views of the Creek area over a snail-pace two-and-a-half hour cruise.

Unfortunately, splendid views aside, there is precious little of value. Waitrons urge you to order within seconds of boarding and repeatedly interrupt the meal with enquiries as to patrons’ well-being – well meaning but executed with an absolute lack of tact.

The menu, of vaguely international bent, offers a choice with little to intrigue or excite. With starters ranging from a wedding-buffet-esque beetroot and peach-roasted smoked salmon, to a truly ghastly flabby foie gras, the best one can say is that the kitchen cannily lowers expectations for what is to follow. This proves a sound policy, given the sheer mass-produced disappointment of the sirloin of beef, a sponge-like slab of pinkish grey, while the lamb is tough and soulless. Enjoy the views, take pictures on the upper deck, forget about the food – as Bateaux Dubai so evidently has – and you’ll be fine.