9 Scary Bootcamp Instructor
Forget zombies, skeletons and ghouls – if you’re an adult in Dubai attending a Halloween party, then you need to adapt your costume idea to really scare people. We still wake up screaming at the memory of a crack-of-dawn bootcamp and the instructor gives us nightmares. We’re not sure if it was the darkness, the mixture of tears and sweat in our eyes or the plank-induced endorphin overload surging through our body, but the sight of a burly man emerging through the mist shouting “FASTER. STRONGER. HARDER” at us moments before we collapsed on the floor is far scarier than any werewolf. Get the look by wearing your usual gym clothes, but adding a clipboard and whistle and shouting at people all night long.
8 Judgemental Club Doorman
Running the fashion gauntlet is hard enough most of the time, but with Halloween fancy dress, you get just one shot. Add to the pressure by standing in the party entrance appraising costumes as guests arrive. If you can make random comments on the lack of style and suitability of the other outfits then all the better. All you need is the dark suit of a bouncer or the attitude of a hostess as well as a clipboard with an imaginary guest list and your own velvet rope to create VIP areas and deny people entry.
7 VIP Vampire
They can be male or female and require excessive amounts of fake tan – these creatures have not seen daylight in years. It is not known if the prominent lips are to hide fangs or caused by excessive pouting for selfies. Behind the vacant, blank eyes they are driven by the constant need to find the best table in the city’s current hottest club, and their best-known adversary is the Judgemental Club Doorman.
6 Psychotic Roommate
Living in shared accommodation can flip from dream to nightmare depending on the sanity of your cohabitees. Re-introduce your friends to a particularly psychotic ex-roommate by dressing up as them, leaving passive-aggressive notes around the party, refusing to share the bills, making a mess and being furious about bathroom rotas.
5 Expat Tax
Certain to freeze the blood of any expat you approach, if you can create a costume that represents tax then you’re onto a winner. Penny-pinching folk trying to save cash are genuinely terrified by the thought of paying tax and you can probably get the look by tweaking a ghost costume and scrawling dollar symbols and attaching a few tax returns about your body.
4 Apartment Hunter
A shape-shifting parasite that can take on the form of a perfectly normal person. Treat with extreme caution as they may well be a Psychotic Roommate in disguise. The real horror of this phantom is that they seem perfectly normal – always with just a single suitcase by their side, an innocent expression and a sob story – but they are not to be trusted. Let them know you have a spare room or offer to put them up for a night and before you know it they will have shipped in dozens of boxes, be living rent free and have placed their cat’s litter tray in your kitchen.
3 Terrifying Taxi Driver
We’ve taken tens of thousands of taxi rides and never once encountered a problem. But, if tales are to be believed, there is a mythical terrible taxi driver out there. Despite being oblivious to the rules of the road this fabled chauffeur zig-zags through traffic laughing maniacally and refusing your requests to slow down and take things easy. Legend has it that he is cursed to drive the roads forever looking for the exact change – something he has never seen.
2 Brunch Fairy
There have been no recorded sightings of a Brunch Fairy. But we know they must exist. How else do you explain that in a brunch of 500 greedy people the bowl of hummus always remains three quarters full. Come to think of it that never-ending table of desserts must be being supported by magic too. Get the look by attaching profiteroles, serving ladles, sushi rolls and mini trifles in shot glasses about a standard fairy costume.
1 Broken A/C Unit
Again, we’re not sure how to make the costume, but nothing else is more likely to make your average Dubaian wake up covered in sweat than the thought of this.
Will Milner is a regular contributor. He’s never worn fancy dress.