The cream of the crop talk about beat-matching, being reactive to the crowd and building a set into an emotional journey. But if you’ve got a few ‘Best of’ albums, some trendy trainers and the confidence to stand before a crowd and take credit for other people’s music then you’re already halfway up the ladder.
There are good ones and bad ones, but for quick-fix, life-changing rebranding it doesn’t come much hastier than announcing yourself as a pro blogger. If the hum of a MacBook and the slurping of a cappuccino doesn’t immediately give them away, then the sound of their pleading to be added to the guest list of any event in town surely will. Restaurant openings, product unveilings, networking events – it doesn’t matter what the occasion, if there is free stuff to be had you’ll find a blogger right in the middle of it. The blogger is happy to turn up to the launch of an abra if they think they’ll get a ride for nothing. Whether they’re being paid for it, or for that matter even blogging about it, shouldn’t deter Dubai’s blogger army.
Not to be confused with anything as essential as a vet, the pet therapist is a holistic healer for your hamster. If you’re an expert in preventing pets from psychological problems then there’s a gullible – sorry, grateful – animal lover out there desperate to hand over a wad of cash so you can give their kitten acupuncture. Chucking a stick or tickling them behind the ears is obviously not enough to cheer up Dubai’s depressed dogs anymore and this could be your calling.
What wouldn’t we give to be salaried to tell overpaid, overfed and underdressed Dubaians they look preposterous in those jeans, or that their choice of shoes makes them look like an out-of-work circus clown? In fact, we don’t even need to be paid to offer our services. Keep the thousands of dirhams to spend on yourself and we’ll criticise your clothes and tell you why you need a haircut and fashion update for free. You’re welcome.
There are thousands of people without the style, taste or imagination to pick out a few colourful cushions and a pair of net curtains by themselves, so if you rate your decorating skills then this could be for you. The greatest trick is that the ‘home stylist’ doesn’t even have to stick up wallpaper – they just chuck away a client’s family photos, throw down a rug and stick on a new lampshade and they’re done.
We’re not sure what they teach at party planning school but reckon the graduation ceremonies must be incredible. Like a DJ without music or an entertainer without balloons to bend, they seem to serve no real purpose. Other than, that is, clogging up guest lists and insisting on themes you pay thousands of dirhams for, only for them to then spend five minutes researching on the internet.
The good ones will motivate and inspire you through a period of healthy self-transformation. They understand the science and safety behind each exercise and will create a plan just for you. If that all sounds too tricky and you were quite good at PE then all you really need is a pair of shorts and the ability to demonstrate a push-up and explain to naïve dieters how to run round in circles.
Talent, vision and creativity are not essential. If you can convincingly argue that daubing the mouldy pots and pans in your kitchen with gold paint and hanging them from a gallery wall is actually a metaphor for the commercialisation of famine then you’re ready to have a cult following as an avant-garde artist.
Listing people’s faults, living vicariously through their achievements, telling them what to do and taking credit for every success – we thought that was called parenthood, but apparently it can be done for a living. Where do we sign up?
Social media guru
Just don’t get us started on this. All we will say is if you’re persuasive enough to convince companies and individuals to shell out the big bucks for your advice on how to write a tweet then you’re selling yourself short.
Will Milner is a regular contributor. Never listen to his career advice.