17 New Year resolutions for 2017

Quit cheese, start a dance craze, battle trolls, fly to Fiji and more

17 Give something up
It doesn’t matter what. Smoking, eating cheese after midnight, taking selfies, taking a bath, using that crying with laughter emoji when you barely raised a smile… Whatever ill-advised habit you ditch, commit to a change.

16 Have a clear out
Since you’re ditching, you could shed a few cupboards worth of possessions, too. Call it an early spring clean if you want, but a session of the Japanese Konmari art of tidying up will at least declutter your life. Three snorkels, four redundant phone chargers, nine unused USB memory sticks and two drawers full of takeaway menus can be the first to go.

15 Understand art
We’re not sure tidying up is art either, but until you understand opinions about actual artistic endeavours you’re not allowed to express outrage. We’re not suggesting you go full beret, just have enough artistic opinion to conduct a conversation without thinking it’s all a scam operated by people who can’t draw.

14 Make new friends
Not an Instagrammer who likes your breakfast snaps, but an actual human being you will speak to in person and share these resolutions with.

13 Start a trend
A dance craze or social movement… Just inspire others.

12 Fight injustice
You don’t have to wear a cape and a mask to do it. Just combat trolls on the internet and righteousness will prevail.

11 Travel further
Sorry everybody back home, but we’re not coming to see you this year. We’ll be in Fiji, Peru or Antarctica. You’re welcome to come and visit us, though.

10 Redefine home
You’ve been here for more than a decade and spend more days at brunch each year than you do in the country of your birth. Accept it. You’ve laid roots.

9 Save the world
Or at the very least recycle. Carrying a few bottles a little further is a small price to pay for protecting the planet for future generations.

8 Stop caring
So stop staring at WhatsApp to see if your friend has read your message and convincing yourself the world hates you.

7 Join a club
Sign up for a new social club and meet people who want to play cards, watch classic movies, play tennis, eat their way around Dubai or just dress up as Marvel superheroes together.

6 Be wiser with money
Stop splashing out on VIP until you can afford it.

5 Use your phone less
If the thought of being without your phone for a whole week sets you into a panic, you should probably toss it into the sea. Look up and see the beautiful world for a few hours a day.

4 Overcome awkwardness
Confined lifts, chats with strangers and team meetings don’t need to be an ordeal. Just be more charming, interesting and funny at all times. Easy.

3 Challenge yourself
Obliterate your comfort zone. Leap from planes, eat new foods, stop discussing the weather and clamber out of your rut.

2 Be a better person
You might not have realised it, but there is a small chance you have become a narcissistic, selfish, boring horror of a human being. They are out there and maybe nobody told you that you are one of them. Prevent it from sticking by refusing to sneak to the front of a taxi queue, letting other drivers cut in front of you, staying silent in the cinema, keeping your voice down in restaurants and not openly coughing over the food at a brunch.

1 Persevere
We don’t want to sound like an inspirational reality TV show cast member or an uplifting pop record, but whatever your goals are this year, don’t give up straight away. Stick with them. You’re amazing and can do this!

Will Milner is a regular contributor. He actually believes he’ll do a triathlon this year.

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