We’re all for tolerance, patience and understanding. Live and let live, stay calm and be positive are the mantras for conflict avoidance we like to employ. But there are certain people we think it’s perfectly acceptable to despise. Cinema-talkers are prime examples. They know they’re not supposed to do it. They even sat through the advert at the start of the film telling them not to do it. Yet they continue to bray their way through the tense thriller and loudly force family-sized buckets of popcorn into their loud faces. If a 3D hand could reach out of the screen and slap their quivering chops it would be the best plot twist in cinema history.
No punishment is too harsh for you. By jumping ahead in the queue – either blatantly or deceptively – you’re volunteering for the top spot in our list of people we hope get their shoelaces trapped in an escalator and face public humiliation when you have to be cut free.
8 Bad parkers
You passed your driving test so you know how you should park. But rather than take an extra 20 seconds to straighten up and fit in between the lines, you choose to ignore the feelings of others just so you don’t have to waste your precious time.
7 Reverse brunchers
As much as we like a free-thinking maverick, there are conventions in the world that must be adhered to. At a brunch, for example, when you see that a line of people perusing food is all moving in one direction, it’s unacceptable to go against the flow of traffic. Move in an orderly fashion. Don’t just drift aimlessly with no care for the natural order. You’re likely to get soup “spilled” on you if you break the rules.
6 Late arrivers
It happens to us all. We’re very understanding and forgiving of people who understand that we all need to be flexible with timings. But to the friend/colleague/client/relative/food delivery guy who is consistently more than an hour late for a scheduled meeting, you’re on your final warning. Continue to lie about or just plain ignore meeting times and we’re going to start carrying a custard pie in our bags. If you’re late without good reason, warning or apology, you’re getting pied when you turn up.
May all of your traffic lights be red and may all of your drivers not have change of a Dhs100 note. You are not above the unwritten laws of society.
4 Bad orderers
Every group dining experience has someone who dithers so long over ordering that they eventually suggest ordering lots and just sharing it all out. Don’t be taken in by their games. We have menus and have learned to make decisions for exactly these situations. We’re not toddlers who don’t know how to express what we want and just pick up the first food waved under our noses.
3 Lift squeezers
Can’t you see how uncomfortably cramped it is in here already? The sign might say a capacity of 12 people, but any more than six and everybody is getting very cosy in even the most spacious of lifts. The whole group is suffering because one person couldn’t wait just a few more seconds to get the next lift.
2 Friends’ friends
“You have to meet my friend. You’re just like them and you’ll love their sense of humour.” Call us antisocial, but we’d rather not be introduced to your friends any more. We love that you have other friends. It means we don’t feel guilty when we invent excuses not to come out and meet you so we stay indoors binge-watching TV.
1 Everybody ever born
Perhaps it’s a little harsh, but we’ve included a catch-all to keep you covered, just in case. Keeping it going at all times is a little heavy-handed, but sometimes it’s healthy to inwardly seethe at the injustice before you.
Will Milner is a contributing editor. He’s actually an extremely patient person.