10 Respect the heat
By our calculations, there is little more than a month left of beach season before it becomes a test of will as well as physical endurance. Make the most of that time by getting the most out of your days in the sun. Accept it is sweltering. Don’t check your phone thermometer every five minutes for the temperature. Today’s heat, like your age and the number of tiramisu shots you can eat before you throw up, is just a number. Accept that it is in the high 40s, understand that you will freeze and get ill as soon as you step into air-conditioned environments and leave your phone off the beach. You don’t need the thermometer updates and your handset will just get sweaty, sandy and burnt up anyway. You’ve been warned.
9 Be cool
There are two types of ice cream in the world. There is at-home ice cream, which is eaten direct from the tub with a spoon while you cry about how tired and underpaid and stressed and busy and lonely you are. It tastes good, but comes with the sprinkles of despair. At the other end of the spectrum is sunny-day ice cream. It is an expression of pure culinary joy. Nobody has ever been unhappy licking ice cream off a cone. It is the closest a human will ever come to knowing how a dog feels when it pokes its head out of a moving car window. Just be careful not to let it fall on the floor. Don’t let your scoop slip or you will feel the despair of a thousand calamities.
8 Wear protection
See that big shiny thing in the sky? It might be 93 million miles away, but it is really, really hot. We’re talking offend-a-chef-and-he-spikes-your-chicken-wings-with-insanity-sauce hot. Avoid combustion and slather yourself in factor 50.
7 Foot fault
Going barefoot is out of the question unless you want third degree burns. But the available footwear options are all problematic. No human has ever been able to artfully run in flip-flops, plus shoes with no socks stink, and shoes with socks is just wrong. This is a genuine question – what is the least lame thing to wear on your feet to the beach? Anybody suggesting Crocs is not invited to our beach party. We can tell you that for nothing right now.
6 Love thy neighbour
The lone ranger who decided to drop their towel directly next to you and leave acres of beach untouched. The family having a sand fight. The tourist with the portable speakers and the worst playlist in the world. Whoever you sit next to on the beach, don’t sweat it.
5 Stay out of the water
The seaside is great, as long as you stay away from the water. The moment you decide to go for a dip is the moment you start getting saltwater in your eyes, swimming out of your depth, slipping off paddleboards and smooching up alongside jellyfish. Anything deeper than your ankles is a step into the unknown we’re not willing to take.
4 Swimwear worries
We can offer no advice on this one. All Time Out is prepared to say at this point is that we remember sitting on a beach in our cutest swimsuit before and found ourselves entirely coincidentally sitting next to the boss. Four hours within sand-throwing distance of the scourge of our weekdays wearing little more than our underwear. Think about that.
3 Be comfortable
The happiest one un-named Time Outer has ever been was watching their mother-in-law waddle across the sand in chase of an umbrella that was blowing in the breeze. After wiping a tear of joy from their eye that same un-named Time Outer made a promise to always pay a little extra for a sun lounger and a safely secured spot of shade.
2 Play on
The beach is a happy place. Don’t take it so seriously. Sitting there pouting, posturing and posing isn’t as cool as you think. Blow up a beach ball, fling a frisbee around, build a sandcastle and get in touch with your inner child. Unless you are a child, in which case you should sit still and be quiet.
1 Stay calm
Focus on the horizon, listen to the waves and keep your cool. Everything is going to be alright.
Will Milner is a contributing editor. He has done all of these things.