Dubai’s 46 top things you should never do

From yoga on a full stomach, leave your phone on while in the cinema and more things not to do

1 Eat a hot dog on a waterslide.

2 Talk to somebody from a balcony. They can’t hear you.

3 Wear sunglasses on your head, indoors and at night.

4 Upstream a taxi queue and expect not to be hated.

5 Move against the flow of diner traffic at brunch.

6 Let a yacht sail by without waving at the people on deck.

7 Forget your sandals when you go to the beach.

8 Try to understand the artist’s description of their work on a label in an art gallery.

9 Play music on your phone without headphones on the Metro. Or games. Or talk on it. In fact, just keep it in your pocket until you’re on the platform.

10 Dump litter in the desert.

11 Strike up a conversation with a stranger in a Jacuzzi.

12 Overestimate your paddleboarding prowess.

13 Heckle a stand-up comedian and expect to get away with it.

14 Trust that the water coming out of a tap will be the temperature you want it to be.

15 Move furniture after 10pm if you live in an apartment block.

16 Talk about your yoga classes more than attending them.

17 Change lanes without indicating first.

18 Change your taxi driver’s radio station without asking.

19 Linger at a food court table when you can see people waiting to sit down.

20 Eat a shawarma any time after midnight.

21 Believe you’ve got your A/C settings just right.

22 Expect an automatic laugh just because you’re wearing fancy dress at a social event.

23 Think you’re going to get a better deal than the seller when haggling in a souk.

24 Leave your phone on while in the cinema.

25 Engage in hard bargaining when buying from a classifieds website. Make a proper offer or don’t waste the seller’s time.

26 Fail to adequately acknowledge rainfall.

27 Make eye contact in a gym, exercise class or any time you are midway through a sneeze.

28 Give directions to your home without mentioning at least three landmarks.

29 Talk about your core, carbloading and exercise regime unless you actually have a clue what any of it means.

30 Stand still on a moving escalator or walkway.

31 Use a sunbed or fake tan. Have you actually looked outside?

32 Request, without irony, that a barista re-pours your coffee in order to put a fancy shape atop your beverage.

33 Yoga on a full stomach. See also desert driving, trampoline parks, roller coasters and selected dance moves.

34 Leave rubbish next to the chute instead of dropping it down.

35 Assume you’ll be the only one at a social function who is overdressed. Even on a desert safari trip or at an ice rink, there will be someone in a ball gown and high heels.

36 Binge-watch more than eight hours of TV on a sunny day without taking at least one short walk outside for fresh air.

37 Talk to your local takeaway more often than your family.

38 Obsess about unreturned calls even when you know your messages have been read.

39 Complain about feeling cold when it’s still above 15°C in the shade.

40 Look down when you’re standing anywhere above the 60th floor of a skyscraper.

41 Stop being impressed by fireworks displays.

42 Forget just how hot it is outside and how much your hair will want to do its own thing in the humidity.

43 Take risks at an office party. Flamboyant dancing, untested karaoke and challenging your boss to an arm wrestle all seem like good ideas in your head. They’re probably not.

44 Pack four days worth of food if you’re only camping for one night.

45 Devour the bread basket so heartily that you’re full by the time the main course arrives.

46 Forget sun cream.

Will Milner was a regular contributor. He’s been making it up as he goes along.

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