I’m not the kind of guy who gets off by observing his pumped guns, but I am conscious of my physique and willing to experiment with different ways to accentuate it. So that’s how I ended up smearing chest-hair-removal lotion (a product that intended for body builders) on my torso with a wooden spoon – the kitchen utensil, you see, is the recommended applicator for Zeno Hair Remover Lotion.
I won’t lie: it burned – but in a momentarily tingly kind of a way, when first applied. During the four minutes it takes to work its depilatory magic, I made small, cautious movements around my apartment – so as not to disturb my lathered chest. Then I grabbed a wet paper towel and a dry accomplice (for subsequent patting down), took a deep breath, and marched before my mirror.
Seeing hair slide off your chest like wet clumps of dust being collected by a Brillo pad is utterly terrifying. And I realised that I couldn’t make pasta that night because there was a follicle-debilitating chemical all over my wooden spoon. But the post-patting sensation was only mildly disconcerting – it stung a bit more than it did after the initial application – and it is, in all, much less tedious than the rigours women go through to get a bikini wax. Which, incidentally, I also would have tried to lazily approximate, if Zeno’s instructions didn’t warn me to keep the lotion away from such areas.