10 International Social Media Influencer Day
There are holidays to celebrate the abolition of slavery, the independence of entire nations and humankind’s greatest achievements, yet nobody stops to recognise the struggle of professional influencers. Every day they share edited photos of their breakfast and are forced to go into the VIP rooms of clubs, all in the name of influencing us. The least we can do is show more love than just a like.
9 Diet-busting Day
Obesity and heart disease are problems. Any effort to combat them gets our backing. Occasionally, however, it would be nice to throw caution to the wind and really go for it. Not like the holidays that claim to be about eating. But a full-on assault of good taste. A day when we can eat whipped cream, fried cheese, meats on sticks, mayonnaise straight form the jar, honey-glazed everything and pints of gravy. And all of that just for breakfast…
Basically the opposite of Thanksgiving. Your chance to get all those petty grievances off your chest. Colleagues who type too loudly, the friend who props sunglasses on the back of their head and the relative who left you hanging when you offered up a high five. This is the day to settle mildly passive-aggressive scores.
7 Today’s The Day Day
We’ve all got that one thing we’ve been too scared or lazy to do. Quit a job, clear out the takeaway menu drawer, start a novel, clip toenails, move house or find out what the correct pronunciation of bruschetta is. Whatever it might be, if we all mark the same day in our diaries to make the leap, we can leap into the unknown together.
6 New Password Day
Not every celebration needs to be portentous and profound. We could all do with an extra excuse to have more fun. A reminder to update your PC password comes installed on most computers. When the prompt pops up, change your password to “paaaaaarty”.
5 World Tell Somebody Something Weird About Yourself That Is Actually Harmless, But You Have Kept It Secret This Whole Time Because You Don’t Know How Other People Would React And It Does Sound A Little Bit Strange When You Write It Down Day
I’ll go first. If I’m alone in a lift, I pretend it’s a spaceship. I like the sound made by a drinking straw when I get to the bottom of a milkshake and sometimes do it for a few seconds after it has become annoying, just because I want to. I order extra shampoo in hotels so I can take the little bottles home and pretend I’m on holiday when I use them at the weekends. Your turn…
4 Will Milner Appreciation Day
You can call your day something else. Everybody, however, needs an extra pat on the back once in a while. “But you already have a birthday for that,” naysayers will bleat. These are the kinds of people who think you’re only worth honouring 1/365th of the time. Admittedly, you’re not an A-lister and don’t demand constant and daily recognition for even the blandest and most pedestrian of feats and thoughts. But just one extra chance to demand unconditional high-fives would be nice. Exactly six months after your birthday seems fair. Tell your friends to mark the date on their calendars.
3 Helpful Day
No cards, no gifts, no brouhaha… Just a day, perhaps every month, when we all go out of our way to help somebody out. Paint an apartment, untangle headphone wires, wash cars, do somebody’s filing. Think of it as the Great Choreswap.
2 Live Your Life Like a Movie Day
Spend a day as your on-screen hero doing everything they would do, wearing what they would wear and saying the things they’d say. Perhaps even go to work in character, too.
1 Quiet Contemplation Only Week
With all that happy celebration and all-round good cheer, you’ll need a time to slow down and take it all in. That’s why we all, as a society, need to arrange a period of consensual hush. Just hope your birthday doesn’t fall in the middle of it.
Will Milner is a contributing editor. Surely he knows nobody is going to celebrate THAT.