10 Awake at night
We work hard, play hard in Dubai. That’s how we like it. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could squeeze a “sleep hard” into the mix, too? Perhaps in the middle, or maybe at the end. A solid eight, nine or maybe 12 hours would be quite restorative. As it is, no matter how tired we are, there are usually long periods of the night when we just lie awake with a chattering brain and a head full of questions. What would happen if every toilet in the city flushed at the same time? I wonder what Wikipedia has to say about the history of tomatoes? What weighs more – a sports car or a giant shark? Can monkeys whistle? What would be my ideal last meal? How many hours until my alarm goes off?
9 Sleepy in the morning
Of course, after wrestling with dilemmas like those all night, when you actually need to wake up is the exact moment you’ll discover your inner sloth. Hours before, when you had the idea that was going to have you carried around the office on people’s shoulders and heralded as a genius, you had unlimited energy. Now, after a few presses of the snooze button, you’re going to need at least three coffees to even make it as far as your desk.
8 Public sleeping
The nights without sleep leave you prone to the occasional head-nodding drop-off at any time. On the bus, mouth agape, drooling and lolling onto the passenger next to you. At the cinema, oblivious to the explosions and state-of-the-art surround sound speakers blasting all around you. In a spa, during a massage. In the toilet cubicle at work.
7 Afternoon naps
The term “life goal” is used a lot these days. Bandied around to describe aspirational travel plans, dream homes or an ideal relationship status. But don’t we all want nothing more than a global agreement that business will stop between the hours of 2pm and 5pm so we can have a cheeky siesta? We can’t be the only ones.
6 Sleep on a sofa
It’s the most disorientating of all the sleeps. You just sat down on the couch to watch a movie and wake hours later confused, somehow still sleepy and under a blanket you definitely didn’t have before. Who put it there? Why is your neck locked in a right angle? Is it worth going back to watch the film you’ve seen the first and last five minutes of? These are the first riddles you need to solve.
5 The power nap
Science seems to support the authenticity of the power nap. A quick, 20-minute burst of sleep to keep you buoyant and fresh. If you’re one of the lucky few who can manage it, count yourself blessed. It’s more likely that a speedy slumber will leave you just as tired in the short term, and in the long run, leave you awake at night trying to make a list of every single film you have ever seen.
4 Early nights
Yeah, good luck with that. No matter how good your intentions are when trying to get an early night, they’re going to unravel the moment you think it’s a good idea to have a quick look at your phone while lying in bed. Cut to three hours later and you’ll still be scrolling through sneezing animal videos and reading birthday messages in the timeline of school friends you haven’t seen for 20 years and never will again.
After two whole weeks of complete relaxation and long sleeps there’s nothing like a spot of jetlag to get you back into a bleary-eyed trance the first day you’re back at work again.
The worst type of show-off is a snorer. With their loud braying honks they’re basically saying, “Look at me sleeping so hard I can do impressions of angry farmyard animals and still not wake up, while you can’t even sleep at all.” Prod them in the ribs until they desist from that cacophony.
1 New-sheet sleep
Sometimes a sleep comes along that is so refreshing, comforting, smooth and restorative that it can make you forgive your bed for all the unsettled nights. That sleep nearly always comes on new-sheet day. When laundry is pressed, pillows are plumped and bedcovers don’t scratch your skin. New-sheet day is the closest you can get to a holiday without leaving the comfort of your own bed.
Will Milner is a contributing edizzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…