(15+) US. Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox
All three of you clamoring for a sequel to Wild Wild West have got your wish: Jonah Hex – an adaptation of the DC Comics series about a Western antihero with otherworldly abilities – gives that Fresh Prince-starring disaster from 1999 a run for its wasted money. Occupying a similarly alternate 19th-century universe, Hex (Brolin) is a horribly scarred bounty hunter out for the blood of the man who murdered his family, Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich). But it’s not simply a matter of revenge, since Turnbull has a monomaniacal plan to use an Eli Whitney–invented weapon of mass destruction (a cannonball-hurling side project to that silly ol’ cotton gin) against President Ulysses S. Grant.
Off they go on a nonsensical progression of adventures that reach their apex when a handy group of Indians bring Hex back from the beyond. He inhales some digital smoke, coughs up a crow and shouts a Shatneresque ‘Turnbull!!!’ And then? Howzabout a rushed finale involving the plastic-bag-loving videographer from American Beauty, Colonel Daniels from The Wire and Gob Bluth from Arrested Development? But by that point you’ll hopefully be passed out from all the drinks you’ve swigged to survive this flick.