Tales from the crib

Emma Milner looks back over the past 12 months and picks out her 10 most embarrassing baby moments

1 Sam’s anatomy confusion
While heavily pregnant and trying to drag toys out of Sam’s toy box, I felt a tugging at my seriously sagging jogging bottoms. Before I could turn around, Sam had pulled my trousers down and was waving at my bottom. It’s difficult to explain to a 16-month-old that not everything big and round contains a baby.

2 The call out
When our TV went on the blink, we called out the TV people who fixed it in less than a minute. Out of curiosity, I asked what they had done. ‘Wire just needed plugging back in. Dhs150 callout please,’ the repair man sniggered. All eyes turned to Sam who didn’t even have the decency to look guilty.

3 ‘I know this will sound strange, but…’
Trying to find something to keep Sam occupied while we moved apartment wasn’t easy. On a particularly stressful day I foolishly handed him my phone. It disappeared. Fortunately, a water delivery man arrived and, after a lot of explaining, the bewildered chap let me call my phone from his. He clearly thought I was bonkers, but smiled as he heard a muffled ring tone and I waddled back to the door, triumphantly clutching both mobiles. That said, he has never delivered to our flat again.

4 Hitting rock – or any – bottom
Every time my husband or I bend over, Sam thinks it is fair game to give us a good slap on the rear. We should really have nipped this in the, ahem, butt earlier, but, hey, it was funny. At least it was until a supermarket shopper of ample build bent down in front of Sam. Thankfully my mother-in-law’s reactions were quicker than Sam’s as she pulled his pushchair away just in the nick of time. We’re not laughing so loudly now.

5 Pointing out the obvious
At Sam’s 15-month check-up, we were all impressed by his awareness and mobility. However, I feel the need to apologise to all those people in A&E and the sports injury department who were pointed at, giggled at, slapped and prodded. My tot finds missing parts and eye patches fascinating, but I imagine you were made to feel very uncomfortable. If it’s any consolation, so was I.

6 Staying undercover
We thought it was cute when Sam started pointing to my bump when we said ‘baby’ but conversations had to be limited after he heard the ‘b-word’ in a coffee shop and, at lightening speed, lifted up my top to reveal my bulging belly button and swollen tum.

7 Blubber babies
Sam usually loves his swimming lessons but, after the summer break, he clung to me like a limpet, pulling my bikini top down so far I had to quickly duck under water and grapple with him to let go, missing the last part of the class and losing my remaining shred of dignity with it.

8 Don’t hang up!
We’ve all had our fair share of problems with bank call centres. But I didn’t help my cause when I shouted ‘NOOO!’ down the phone to an unsuspecting customer services operator. It was hard enough trying to get an answer for the latest mess-up with my account, but explaining that my outburst was because I had just heard my mobile phone plop down the toilet was even more painful than retrieving it.

9 Hat-a boy
Early last year, my dear Nana passed away. Sam and Nana never met, something I bitterly regret, but he has inherited her sense of humour, especially when it comes to hats. I love hats, but Nana found them hilarious. She would cackle wildly if anyone tried on or wore a hat, even if it actually looked okay. So it was a mixture of dismay and delight when I took a hatted-up Sam to a mirror in a busy shop to see him squeal then collapse into uncontrollable giggles.

10 Mall meltdown
Trying to calm our rigid, screaming toddler as he went into meltdown in the bookstore, we were all too aware of the gathering crowds entranced by our loud struggle. I’m sure most parents have been through this, but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing, so we exited at high speed. Well, we had enough books, anyway.

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