Sleep. Precious sleep…
Yeah, yeah, it’s that tired old cliché that all parents smugly roll out to expectant mums and dads, but did you see that slightly manic glint in their eye? That’s because their last full night’s sleep is a distant memory, thanks to midnight feeds, nappy changes and crack-of-dawn wake up calls. Make the most of those lazy lie ins, as it might be another 18 years before you enjoy the pleasures of slobbing out under the duvet (and if we could get our hands on that bright spark that said ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’…Grrrrrr).
Have an adult conversation that doesn’t revolve around poop
Who would have guessed there were so many ways to discuss the contents of your bub’s nappy? Are they doing too much? Should it be that colour? Argh, why am I suddenly covered in it? While this is an acceptable topic for parents, bring it up with child-free friends at your peril. You might find those dinner invites start tailing off.
Eat a hot meal
Hardly a luxury, you might think, but those little blighters seem to have a built-in knack to wake up the moment you sit down to a hot dinner. Every. Single. Time. You won’t lose the baby weight thanks to breastfeeding or exercise – it’s more likely because a plate of cold, congealed food is pretty darn unappetizing.
Be a minimalist
Not only will the edges on that designer glass coffee table be a hazard once they start toddling around, but those pristine white sofas, pale rugs and tasteful objets d’art will soon be covered in sticky handprints, bite marks and chewed up bits of rusk. Warning: bright, jangly plastic kids’ toys have the magical power to multiply until they have completely taken over your home.
Wear dry-clean only clothes...
…Or block colours. Or white/beige/cream. Your once-prized wardrobe is no match for that adorable little drool machine. We know someone who proudly strutted their way around the office on their first day back at work, only to realise that those looks she was getting were not out of admiration, but because her baby had been sick down her back. Patterns are your friend, as are clothes that you can bung in the machine on a 40˚ cycle.
Read a book from cover to cover (that isn’t a baby book)
Who’s got time to get engrossed in a novel when there’s mountains of sleepsuits to wash, bottles to sterilize, milk to express etc…? As for a spot of bedtime reading, that would be lovely if we hadn’t passed out on the sofa at 7.45pm.
Use the bathroom on your own
The loo was always the last preserve of privacy. Or so we thought. But modesty goes out of the window when you find yourself sharing a bathroom with your little one. It doesn’t get any easier when they’re curious toddlers, either. Not only can they now undo locks, but they’re also likely to tell anyone who’ll listen what you were doing in there too.