Dubai’s new superhero

Will Milner feels a change of lifestyle coming on

The Knowledge

I try to live a life with no regrets. On the whole, I’m doing okay, although I do regret spending quite so much time watching Egyptian soap operas on TV. After six months and not a single word understood, it’s probably time to give up (anyway, Omar doesn’t look like he’ll come out of his coma any time soon, so I’ll never find out what happened to him). I also regret a misguided decision to shave my head a few summers ago. It just made me look like a sweaty chimpanzee.

Most of all, however, I regret hanging up the phone on the person trying to return my lost wallet last week. It’s not that I was ungrateful – I just didn’t know the wallet had been lost and I thought it was a
prank call. In retrospect, I’m prepared to admit I may even have been a little rude. After colourfully explaining what the caller could do with my wallet and asking that he never call back again, I slammed down the phone with what I considered to be a flourish. I sure showed that guy who was boss.

It only took me about three seconds to realise this was not a prank caller and I had actually lost my wallet, but by then it was too late. I remember now that I’d left a card inside explaining that in the event the wallet was found, my home phone number should be called. With no way of calling the stranger back (he called my landline!) and no chance their kind-hearted honesty would extend beyond the cruel abuse, I have no choice but to buy a new wallet.

But I’m not going to let the regret destroy me. I’m going to learn from the experience and be more like Mystery Caller: a good, righteous person that goes out of their way to help others. Would I have gone to the same efforts? Probably not. I imagine him stalking the streets at night helping people like me, righting wrongs and correcting injustice. Just like Batman.

I’m going to follow in his footsteps and try to make Dubai a better place. With crime rates in our city being what they are, I’ll have to be selective about the causes I choose to combat. Queue jumping? Talking in cinemas? Pinching all the best cake at brunch?

Like all good superhero vigilantes, I’m going to need a convincing disguise. I’ve already borrowed tights and a hair net from my wife’s laundry bag and taken some mascara from the cupboard under the bathroom sink. I can’t imagine I’m going to regret this…

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