Watching cheesy TV shows

Will Milner finally gets to delve into the delights of cheesy TV

Last word, The Knowledge

With the family away, Will Milner finally gets to delve into the delights of cheesy TV.

Eating a cheese sandwich in the bath is not as easy as it looks. The problem, as you’ve no doubt discovered for yourself, is one of moisture.

No matter what you do with the sandwich – hold it up high when you first climb in, rest it on a towel while you have a bit of a bathe or wear oven gloves in the tub – it always ends up going soggy.

But if I can’t treat myself to a small luxury like the occasional soak-and-snack, what’s the point of having an empty apartment for the summer?

Forty-eight weeks of the year my house is chaos. From the moment the first child awakes until we all fall asleep shortly after sunset, there is no peace and quiet whatsoever.

Play time, school time, tidy up time, tea time, tantrum time, bath time, story time and then bed time. There is not much ‘me’ time.

So with my family away for a four-week summer holiday, I’m cramming in as much as I can. Eating my tea in the bath with the door wide open, midnight trips to the cinema, the occasional morning swim, books on the balcony – things I normally dream of doing – I have all the time in the world to do what I want.

And I’m bored.

To ward off dark thoughts, I’ve taken drastic measures. For the first time ever I have a paid TV package in my home. Never in my life have I had access to more than five domestic channels. Suddenly I can watch hundreds and I have about ten years of catching up to do.

It matters not that most channels are in a language I don’t speak or that it is about 80 percent repeats. In a single weekend I’ve learned more about decorating my house/accessorising my wardrobe/cooking insects/investigating a murder/buying antiques than I would have thought possible.

I can’t get enough of it and am genuinely annoyed that I’ve wasted so much of the last decade going out with friends, visiting the gym and eating in restaurants. I could have been watching country music stars hunting on the Outdoor Channel or fashion bloggers discussing sock trends on the Style Network. Until last weekend, I didn’t even know who Miley Cyrus was. Also frankly, my knowledge of American diners certainly left a lot to be desired.

All I need to do now is move my furniture so I can see MTV from my bath and I might survive the summer.

I think I’ll ditch the sandwich, though. Somewhere between the music videos, cookery contests and Hollywood reality TV shows, I’ve discovered the fonduzzi. The big bubbling pot of melting cheese is a cross between a fondue and a Jacuzzi and I’m going to sink myself into it every night.

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