Slapping strangers in the face with jellyfish, attacking small children with lobsters or wanting to pour soup on fellow diners does not make me a bad person. Does it? Because if it does I need to seriously reconsider the stories I share in this magazine.
I just don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me and, looking back over the past year of writing, I think a false pattern is starting to emerge. Rage, bewilderment and various stages of social awkwardness never seem to be far away from my byline.
Contrary to what you may have read in Time Out Dubai I am calm, easy-going and welcoming of my fellow Dubaians. But you don’t want to read about that.
I could, for example, tell you about the hundreds of times I have been to the supermarket and NOT swapped ketchup in an obnoxious customer’s trolley for a nearly identical bottle of extra hot chilli sauce. Yet I think it is the one exception the editor has more interest in.
It would be easy to pick up my pay cheque after writing about dozens of trips to the beach that were entirely incident free. Though, I rather suspect that you would be more interested in the time I saw a tourist so monumentally huge and idiotically sunburnt that I mistook his scorched and bloated figure for a child’s tent. It was only when a beach ball bounced off his gargantuan red gut did I realise that the tent was in fact a human man.
Perhaps there are readers among you who would be relaxed by my recollections of countless incident-free commutes home. It’s just that I think there are many more people out there who would delight in the embarrassment I felt when a full carriage of 22 women all burst into spontaneous laughter at my face following a gaffe on the Dubai Tram.
This week I wanted to do something different. Show you a different side of my character. Maybe show off my philosophical side with a treatise on why brunch is a metaphor for life? Or share my passion for the environment or my love of Mediterranean cuisine? All very noble ideas, but instead, I simply have to tell you about my least favourite person in the world. I don’t know his name but there is a man who rollerblades around JLT most nights who makes my blood boil.
It could be that he plays music out loud (buy headphones, idiot). It could be his disregard for other people’s safety as he slaloms within inches of us mere pedestrians. Or it could be the fact that he has taken to nonchalantly dangling a toothpick from his mouth and smirking as he skates. But nothing would make me happier than seeing him fall in a lake.
I hope you agree that doesn’t necessarily make me a bad person.
Will Milner is our editorial director. We like him when he’s angry.