Question one: what condition did Mani, The Stone Roses’ bassist, put on the band reforming?
They’d only do it if Manchester City won the European Cup.
Correct. A reformation would be bad for you, would it not, David Nelson? It would be the end of your pathetic human ‘dreams’.
I suppose it could work both ways, because we’d get a new fan base, but obviously people will buy tickets to see them first over us.
We shall see. Question two: which song were The Stone Roses playing when the power was cut on their UK TV debut?
‘Made Of Stone’.
That answer is correct. However, your band name is not: you are not The Complete Stone Roses. None of you have been members of that band. Why do you foist lies upon the world, David Nelson?
We like to play the hits and we think that The Complete Stone Roses is better than some others. I think The Stone Roses Experience is the worst. It’s very silly and just kind of embarrassing. My favourite’s [Oasis tribute act] Definitely Might Be – that’s very clever.
‘Clever’ is subjective. Subjectivity must be crushed. Lies must be crushed. The Quizmaster knows that you play more than just Stone Roses songs. Tell the truth. Tell it!
We also do Ian Brown songs, like ‘Love Like A Fountain’. We’ve jammed ‘F.E.A.R.’ as well – that’s available on our live DVD. You can get it online.
Do not turn this interrogation into a tawdry sale, David Nelson. Your success means nothing to The Quizmaster. Question three: Mani founded the band Freebass with two other bassists. One is Peter Hook. Name the other.
It’s the bass player from The Smiths. I’m going to get caught out on this one. It’s… Peter Drake? I know it’s the bass player from The Smiths, but I don’t know his name.
Then you know nothing, David Nelson. Bow to The Quizmaster. The third human’s name is Andy Rourke.
Andy Rourke! Aye, b******s. I should have had that one. I’m suddenly doing very, very badly.
You will do worse when The Quizmaster rules the Earth. Question four: which painter inspired the band’s early covers?
Correct. Keep talking, David Nelson: The Quizmaster has space to fill on this page.
He’s a very inspirational artist for [Stone Roses’ guitarist and cover designer] John Squire. There’s a Stone Roses bootleg called Never Mind The Pollocks.
A pun. The Quizmaster does not trust puns. Laughter is no cure for the human disease. Question five: What sort of animal does Ian Brown look identical to?
Incorrect. He looks identical to a human. Those cursed with subjectivity may consider him to look like a monkey. Do you believe him to be a monkey-man?
He looks like a monkey, but he’s still writing good tunes. I believe that he’s all man.
Yes, David Nelson. Like you, he is only human.
Yeah, he’s only human – a very, very talented human!