Frankenclub!

They called us mad for thinking we could build the best venue of all time from fragments of Dubai. Mad! But we’ll show them. We’ll show them all!

Malecon, the walls: Even mad scientists have to start somewhere, so let’s begin with the walls, to keep the punters in and the crashers out. Not the most thrilling of parts, you might think, but Malecon has triumphed with its faux-Cuban decor. The kitsch turquoise walls are cool enough, but it’s the endless lines of graffiti scrawled all over them that really make it. We still haven’t found any swearwords yet, though.

Bang, video wall:
At the time of writing, Bang is still closed as the management shifts its focus from a funky, dayglo club into a lounge bar. But, as anyone who managed to make it in there before the closure will tell you, it was an impressive sight – not least because of the giant LED video wall that bathed the dancefloor in swirling, multicoloured light. We’ll be having that, thank you.

Sanctuary, the lighting and rigging:
It might be way out yonder and have some snooty, over-privileged punters in its crowds, but there’s a lot to recommend Sanctuary, not least its rather spectacular lighting rigs. From the colour-changing walls summoning you inside to the gantries full of spotlights and mood lighting in its main room, it’s a visual feast. We’ll happily take the go-go dancers, too.

Chi, The Garden stage and dancefloor: Surroundings are all well and good, but if there’s nowhere to dance, then what’s the point? The next step, then, is to take our giant scalpel and cut out the dancefloor and canopy from Chi Garden – partly because we like the space-age aesthetic, but mostly because it’s so ruddy big. And we’ll take the stage, too, because it’s always nice to have the option to invite some bands over.

The 400 Club, plush fittings: Being the down-to-earth types that we are, we don’t have a lot of time for The 400 Club’s obsession with status, money and swanky clothing. Still, they do have good taste in furnishings, so our next step will be to pilfer their tables and chairs. It’ll make it harder for the more obnoxious members of the crowd to sit on the edges and judge those on the dancefloor, but still…

Chill, the entertainers:
Not so much a Chill thing as a recurring feature from Chill’s fancy-dress Circus nights, the entertainers are a gaggle of freakishly dressed stilt walkers, fire-breathers and painted oddballs who ensure that the carnival atmosphere remains even when the place is full of boring schmucks who’ve refused to get their quirky kit on.

360˚, the Funktion One soundsystem: All of this scene-setting is great, of course, but there’s the small matter of the music. That’s why we’re putting the hi-fi into sci-fi by borrowing 360˚’s Funktion One sound system for our post-pub Prometheus. Created by the bods who originally made Turbosound, Funktion Ones are used in Glastonbury, Creamfields, Homelands – and now Frankenclub.

New Asia Bar & Club, the big stone head: New Asia’s transformation from fancy-pants, couples-only bar to international-DJ-courting nightspot was one of the more unexpected things to happen of late. Still, our favourite bit of the bar remains the giant, Indiana-Jones-temple-style stone head above the bar. It serves no practical purpose, but this is our club and we’ll do what we want, damn it.

Après’ view of Ski Dubai: For those who are tired of dancing, there’s a little extra entertainment: watching hapless skiers twist them-selves into human origami on the Ski Dubai piste.
Is Frankenclub a triumph of science or does it deserve to be burned at the North Pole? Send your own Frankenclub suggestions to james.wilkinson@itp.com or comment online at timeoutdubai.com

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