5 signs you've watched too much TV

Square eyes? That is the least of your worries

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You become chronically impatient
So you drop round to your friends place and ring the bell. It’s been four seconds (sufficient waiting time, according to all good TV cops), so you smash the door down with your size 12s, just in time to catch the terrified look on your friend’s face as he gets up off the sofa.
Likely culprit: 24, CSI, The Wire

You’re suddenly big on suspense
Every time you leave the room, you utter some cryptic parting words before going ‘duh duh DUHHHHHHHH!’ and then return a week later to deliver some dramatic news. Just forgive your friends if they manage to restrain their amazement when they eventually find out that the shop had sold out of baked beans.
Likely culprit: The Walking Dead, True Blood

You become massively sexist
You used to be the shining example of a modern man – courteous, selfless, sensitive to women’s needs – now you’re one double entendre away from a sexual harassment tribunal. Seriously, why can’t these darn broads just get a sense of humour?
Likely culprit: Mad Men

You constantly make sure everyone is up to speed
Around 45 minutes into every friendly gathering, you feel the need to go back over the evening’s events via a short verbal montage sequence in which you recap key events, complete with dramatic whooshy noises that you make with your cheeks.
Likely culprit: Every American TV show ever

You entertain the vague possibility that vampires might actually exist
At which point it’s time to press eject on the DVD player and go lie in a field.
Likely culprit: True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Blade: The Series, etc

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